Children and Death…..

If you have children, the chances are that at some point they will raise the issue of death with you. As children approach adolescence, they become aware of the reality of death in a personal way. Whereas they understood before in a general sense that things die, now they are beginning to understand that one day death will come to them, too. This can be a particularly disturbing and even frightening thing for some children. If you notice this issue arise with your child, here are some tips for handling it in a way that helps your child process the reality of death without fixating on it in a way that steals his joy of living today.

Ask your child what they are afraid of. Talk to your child about what scares them about dying. Are they afraid of the process? Did they see something on TV or hear something at school that is bringing up this issue? Sometimes even a news story about a young person’s death can bring up the reality and fear of dying for a child.

Explain your spiritual beliefs. Even if you and your spouse have differing views, explain them to your child and tell them what brings you comfort when you think about death. Let them know that we will all die someday and acknowledge that the unknown can be scary. Also, remind them that they are very young and most likely have very many more years to live before they die.

Focus on living. Since we have little control over death, it is important to help your child focus on living and the positive aspects of their life. Make a list with your child of all the things you are thankful for in life. Have your child write down the food, places, activities and people that bring them joy. Encourage them to do something they enjoy to get their mind off of death and onto living. Cook a special new meal together. Go to the park or out for an ice cream. Have them write a letter to a friend or relative telling them they love them. Have them make a special craft item for a close friend or family member.

The best thing to do is to help your child deal with their fear of death head on, in a real and genuine way. Don’t brush your child off but rather, encourage them to let the reality of death motivate them to live life to the fullest, recognising each day for the precious gift that it is.


Three Daily Priorities

Creating three daily priorities for teenagers can help them set goals and keep them from focusing so much on themselves. As your teenager gets ready in the morning, help him or her get into the habit of setting three simple goals for that day. Areas to focus on include school, self and service to others:

  • What is the most important thing he needs to focus on at school that day (test, assignments, a difficult subject)?
  • What is one important thing she can do for herself that day (eat right, exercise, get to bed earlier)?
  • What is something your teenager can do for someone else (play with a sibling, be nice to someone at school who is always picked on, give compliments, help out around the house)?

By focusing your teenager on these priorities, he or she can begin to set and achieve goals. They teen may also begin to overcome normal insecurities and worries.

In essence, your teenager is learning to take control and not focus so much on things that cannot be controlled. It also will give you insight into your child’s life and provide opportunities to give praise and encouragement each day.

 

Let’s Celebrate Fathers on Father’s Day!

Men often give themselves a hard time. They often expect themselves to be strong, masterful providers, to work long hours, be successful in their careers, whilst at the same time being loving, sensitive partners and fathers, keen and enthusiastic about sharing and spending time with their families. Let’s take some time this weekend to stop and celebrate fathers on Fathers Day.

For many of us there are different father figures in our lives apart from the father who gave us our genetic makeup; step fathers, grandfathers, fathers-in-law, as well as other key male role models can play a significant part in influencing our opinion of men and our expectations from male relationships in the future. School teachers, neighbours, the fathers of friends all have the potential to affect the way in which we develop and grow and influence our life choices.

Our biological father is for many of us, the most important man in our life, but in some cases he may be cynically regarded as a sperm donor and nothing more. There may be other, far more significant loving, caring and influential male role models in our lives.

A real father provides his family with a feeling of safety and security. He usually earns money with which to support the family, but is also increasingly involved with childcare and parenting duties. Many men are keen to care for their children, play with them and be involved in their lives. The days of the hardly present father, a somewhat stern, distant, disciplinarian figure are thankfully waning. Many men want to be hands on fathers, playing and being involved, getting to know their children and having a good relationship with them as they develop and grow.

Grandfathers play an increasingly important part in many children’s lives. With the high incidence of divorce many single parents rely heavily on the support of friends and family to help with childcare. A loving grandfather can be an important male role model in a young child’s formative years, providing love, guidance and advice as well as a constant source of stability. Having a caring, wise male family member readily available can be a source of comfort for a child. They can trust their secrets, discuss problems and share their worries with a grandfather, things they may not wish to discuss with a parent.

Often a grandfather can provide time for his grandchildren, time that perhaps he was unable to provide for his own children when they were growing up. It is not uncommon for people to say that their father was a dreadful parent but is an amazing, sensitive and caring grandparent. Often a grandfather can see the mistakes he made with his own children and feel privileged at having the opportunity to do a better job and make amends with his grandchildren.

Step fathers form an increasingly important part of many family structures, some families featuring a few father figures over time. Losing the relationship with one’s father and then having to cope with the implications of his departure is devastating particularly if he had a close connection with the children. Tact and sensitivity is required during the transition from both parents, as children need consistency, routine and to feel safe and secure. If a new step father is then to be introduced, taking time to establish the new relationship is important.

Many other role models bring invaluable inspiration and support into a child’s life. An impressive school teacher, foster parent, neighbour can teach so much simply by their attitude, behaviour, demeanour. A simple word or gesture can provide a lasting impression on a developing child. Even role models from literature, film and television can influence how we as children define men and their role in our life and society.

And sometimes we learn from the bad examples too, how we don’t want to be, the negative patterns we are determined not to replicate in our later life with our own children. All these are thoughts we can bring to mind as we celebrate fathers on Fathers Day.


Love is………

“Love is very patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude. Love does not demand its own way. It is not irritable or touchy. It does not hold grudges and will hardly notice when others do it wrong.”    1 Corinthians 13:4-5

Wow! This is the way REAL love acts. Who wouldn’t want to be loved like that? It sounds just perfect…..

But do I love that way? When I read these verses, I can’t help but feel a little guilty. I love my family but I don’t always show them love in the way I should.

  • I TRY to be patient, but often I’m not.
  • When my kids treated their friends better than me, or worse,their girlfriend’s/boyfriend’s parents better than me, I maybe got jealous or envious.
  • There are times when I am proud and haughty. Times I think I am right and my family should listen to me without questioning me. At those times I can demand my own way.
  • I hate to admit it but I can be cranky, which can lead me to be selfish and rude; irritable and touchy (yes, the stereotypical “grumpy old man”!!)
  • I can hold a grudge with the best of them. And I’m a good record keeper!

So I may not always love like the model in 1 Corinthians 13, but I CAN! I just need to keep these verses in my mind and heart and need to remind myself that loving my family with this kind of love – God’s love – is a possibililty.

I truly believe love is a choice. You can choose to love your family with God’s love and your family will thrive because of it. Remember…practice makes perfect!


Make time for your teenager!

We live in a fast-paced world. Our lives are so full of things that need to be completed that from morning until evening we are in perpetual motion. Amid the hustle and bustle we need to carve out the time to spend with our teenagers.

You are probably wondering just how to do this. You are busy…your teenager is just as busy! Make no mistake, it will take both time and effort, especially if you have more than one child, but it will be worth it.

Begin by looking at the diaries of the entire family. Can you find free times and make a “date” with your teenagers to have coffee, have lunch, or go for a walk in the park?  If your diaries are impossible – all is not lost! You just need to be resourceful!

Do you need to take your teenager to the dentist or doctor? Take a little extra time to make the time alone special. Use your time alone in the car to talk instead of listening to the radio. After the appointment, stop at a coffee shop for a drink and a chat.

Do you have an errand to run? Ask one of your kids to tag along.

Does your teenager have a project due? I bet they could use an extra pair of helping hands. Maybe they just need someone to bounce ideas off of – let that someone be you!

Let’s not forget dinnertime. Try to eat as many meals together as possible – and make mealtimes a relaxing time filled with good conversation as well as great food.  As they say, a family that eats together stays together!

I encourage you to be creative. Think outside the box. Find the time to spend with your teenager. You both will benefit from the times you share together.


Asking great questions

Do you want to know what your teen is really thinking? Try asking great questions. Too many times we ask closed questions that require only a “yes” or “no” answer. Does this sound familiar:

“How was school?” “Good”

“Do you have homework?” “No”

“How was the football?” “Okay”

We need to learn to ask specific questions that require thought and will encourage conversation. Why not try some of these:

“Was that test in Spanish as hard as you thought? What were some of the questions on it? Which question was the hardest for you?”

“Who scored the goals in the football game after school? Were there any amazing shots?”

“How many people came to Jonny’s birthday party last night? What kind of presents did he get?

Or on a more personal level why not try asking things like:

“What do you think Heaven looks like?”

“What kind of person would you like to marry?”

“What’s the nicest thing I ever did for you?”

“What’s the best thing you remember from your childhood?”

“If you could travel anywhere in the world ­ where would you like to visit? Why?”

The list could go on and on…and it should! Why not make your own and begin asking your teenager questions that will lead to meaningful conversations, rather then monosyllabic grunts?